Relieved to Say Goodbye to My Abusers
An introduction to some journal entries about my childhood trauma and how I finally broke free
I was abused and bullied by my mother and brother.
My clearest memories of my childhood trauma are from when I was a preschooler. I have often wondered why. It isn’t that the abuse and bullying stopped, but somehow I think it just wasn’t a shock anymore. I think those first times were such a surprise. I was an innocent, not knowing that those closest to me, those who were supposed to be my people, could willingly hurt me so much. Young children know how things are supposed to be. When they experience something that upsets that, it is a terrible shock. It marks a starting point of needing to figure out ways to survive that will never make sense.
My survival tactics became working hard to please my mother and avoiding my brother. Of course none of this worked but with no other choices I could see, I kept with my plan. I kept with it so long. Too long. And what I have come to find out is that this plan would only strengthen my oppressors. And when I stopped doing it, they would walk away from me, and take anyone and anything they could with them.
By now I have grieved all of this. I feel lucky to have at least part of my life away from them. I think the big thing I am learning now is that I can love myself in the way I always needed love. And that is actually very healing.
I want to say more. I have stories to tell. I need to see and tell my childhood memories through a clear lens. Abuse, intimidation, bullying. They shaped me in ways I am trying to heal and grow differently.
